Monday, April 14, 2014

發人深省!一個德國女人沒有錢的富有人生


10塊錢過一天什麼的都弱爆了,有個德國女人已經過了18年沒房沒車,甚至沒有錢包的生活!她叫海德瑪麗·施維爾默,1996年辭職,退掉租房,所有財產送人,開始不用金錢的生活,靠幫人做園藝、清潔換取食物和棲息之所。今年,她72歲。海德瑪麗·施維爾默


 她把經歷著成書《福從天降的試驗》,並一夜成名,獲得豐厚稿酬,再把錢送光……你可能覺得這個老女人一定是瘋了或者受了什麼刺激,但她本人覺得自己非常富有,快樂並且充滿活力。不管怎麼樣,我們先來看一看她的經歷,興許能對你有所啟發,找到新的生活方式也不一定呢!

【在德國做朵不要錢的奇葩

即使在德國,海德瑪麗也算是個奇葩:既沒房沒車,也沒有醫療保險,別說是帳戶,她連一個錢包都沒有。她可不是什麼窮困潦倒的失業者!不然每個月去領300多歐元的社會救濟金就好了,國家還會為她提供住房和醫療保險。實際上,海德瑪麗曾經是拿“鐵飯碗”的小學老師,還當過 ​​收入頗豐的心理醫生——可是她什麼也沒有,哦,是什麼也不要。
  

她決心要過一種擺脫金錢的生活,而且一過就是十幾年。在全德國都在討論社會救濟金過低,是否已出現貧窮階層(我們這些人心裡則嘟囔著“身在福中不知福”)的時候,身無分文的海德瑪麗卻認為自己非常富有。


【童年的困惑
 

錢對於人來說真的是必不可少的嗎?這個種子在海德瑪麗很小的時候就種下了。


1942年,東普魯士一個富有的咖啡廠廠主家迎來了第三個孩子,她就是一頭金髮的海德瑪麗。在保姆悉心的照料和兩個哥哥的陪伴下,海德瑪麗快樂無虞長到了兩歲,二戰的戰火卻燒到了她的家鄉。在一片慌亂中,海德瑪麗的爸爸被徵召入伍,上了戰場,媽媽則拉扯著幾個孩子開始了逃亡。

  
當他們逃到北德的海濱小城艾克福爾德市時,早已是一身破爛,一無所有。一下子從富有跌入貧窮帶給幼小的海德瑪麗最大的困惑是:為什麼失去了財產和金錢,他們一家在人們眼中突然就變得那麼一錢不值了?難道錢是衡量人的價值的唯一標準?


【獨闖蹊徑——自助服務互換圈】
  
畢業後,海德瑪麗當上了老師。老師在德國是終生職業,她15年做得好好的卻主動放棄了這個鐵飯碗,改行做了心理醫生。而一個偶然的機遇改變了她的一生。

  
一天她在廣播中聽到,加拿大鄉村的一個公司突然倒閉後,當地的人都失去了工作。為了自助,這裡的人組成了服務互換圈,也就是你幫我修車,我幫你做飯、打掃衛生——這一下子給了海德瑪麗靈感,為什麼不建一個這樣的服務互換圈呢?對,一個不受金錢左右、只靠人本身的價值來維繫運轉的微型社會圈!

  
說乾就乾,海德瑪麗嘗試著建立起了一個純私人的服務互換圈。她每天忙於收集地址,記錄每個圈友能提供的服務。這個互換圈的範圍剛開始還只局限在多特蒙德,但是很快就發展到整個德國。


但這並不能能令海德瑪麗滿足,4年後,她離開自己建立的互換圈,向她的下一個目標邁進。那時她早已和丈夫分居,一雙兒女也早已長大成人,有了各自的小家庭。海德瑪麗毅然退掉了租屋,把家具和所有用不著的東西都送了人,只留了一些衣物存放在朋友家。如此破釜沉舟,是因為她決心做一個嘗試——過一個真正沒有錢的生活。

  
她為別人提供法語輔導,換取一個手機卡;為商店打掃衛生,換取新鮮的水果和蔬菜;幫眼鏡店的老闆照看家裡的貓,換一隻眼鏡;圈友出去度假,就幫他們看家和照看寵物——這樣她幾個星期就不用為住處發愁了。有時,她也會重操舊業,為圈友做心理諮詢。不過,她始終如一的原則是:絕不接受金錢。


福從天降的實驗】 
有關海德瑪麗的紀錄片《Living Without Money》

原本這只是一個實驗,看看在現代社會沒有錢能否活下來,一年後再恢復以前的正常生活。海德瑪麗沒想到自己會越來越適應這種沒有錢的生活。一家出版社發現了她,為她出了一本自傳:《福從天降的試驗》。

  
這本書的出版,讓海德瑪麗一夜成名,榮譽和金錢也“從天而降”:各國出版商也紛紛要求出版她的作品,海德瑪麗成了電視座談節目的常客,頻繁被邀請到各地演講……不過她依然堅持不接受金錢報酬的原則,除了出版社的稿費。


 她把錢揣在兜里,一開始是一千歐元的“大票子”,走在街上就送給不認識的人。後來就換成100歐元面值的,送給一些單身母親,直到把錢送光。海德瑪麗不是沒想過,多掙點錢然後把錢送給需要的人。不過最後她放棄了這個想法:“我想明白了。這沒有用,不過是杯水車薪,解決不了社會上的問題。而且,人也永遠不會滿足。與其那樣,我還不如在體制結構上下功夫。 ”

海德瑪麗渴望尋找到一個不受金錢左右的價值體系,她說​​:“我的願望是改變社會。”她通過座談會、演講和讀書會,與大家分享自己的人生經歷和思考。

【人何必成為錢的奴隸】

“ 對有些人來說,我的活法是一種挑釁。但對另一些人而言,我則提供了一種答案。”


“這10年的經歷告訴我:這一切是可行的,我們真的可以這樣生活,而且活得很好。”海德瑪麗認為這些年沒有錢的生活讓她變得格外富有,她不僅不用為怎麼存錢、花錢而耗費精力,從而贏得了時間,也結識了無數志同道合的朋友,更有機會時刻面對自己的內心,真正認識到自我的需要。



“人在生活中總是被恐懼心束縛,我把恐懼看作是我身體裡一個活的生命。”她 ​​欣喜地發現,當她不認為自己和恐懼是一體的時候,恐懼就開始離她遠去。與此同時,她也學會了調動自身抵禦疾病的能力。



幾年前,她騎車時摔倒在地,傷到尾骨,疼得抬不起身子。但她堅持不讓路人叫救護車(德國人不玩“碰瓷”),而是裝作好多了的樣子,打電話給朋友讓他把自己送到她正在幫別人看著的一個家裡。回憶起當時的情況,海德瑪麗說:“我在床上躺了3個星期,一點兒也不緊張。現在想起來,還挺驕傲的。我學會了耐心等待,等著疼痛慢慢過去,什麼止痛藥也沒吃。”



就這樣,海德瑪麗依靠自身的恢復能力重獲了健康。這使得她更加堅信,生活中沒有一定要用錢才能解決的問題。目前,她的第二本書也已經截稿。

她驕傲地說:“我知道,有一股神的力量在引導著我。我一點也不用害怕。我只需要用心去體會人生存的目的,一切都會過得很好。錢也許在哪一天就會徹底消失,人又何必成為錢的奴隸。”


感謝海德瑪麗,她是一個勇敢而執著的先行者,用她的生活告訴我們人可以不必為金錢奴役,而依靠自身的價值與能量從恐懼、空虛中獲得解脫。希望她的故事能對你有所啟發,並從中受益!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

10 Lessons That Will Help You Excel In Your 30s

A couple weeks ago I turned 30. Leading up to my birthday, I wrote a post on what I learned in my 20s.
But I did something else. I sent an email out to my subscribers and asked readers age 37 and older what advice they would give their 30-year-old selves.
The idea was that I would crowdsource the life experience from my older readership and create another article based on their collective wisdom.
The result was spectacular. I received more than 600 responses, many of which were over a page long. It took me three days to read through them all, and I was floored by the quality of insight people sent.
So first of all, a hearty thank-you to all who contributed and helped create this article.
As I went through the emails, what surprised me most was just how consistent some of the advice was. The same five to six pieces of advice came up over and over and over again in different forms across hundreds of emails.
It seems there really are a few core pieces of advice that are particularly relevant to this decade of your life.
Below are 10 of the most common themes appearing throughout all of the 600 emails. The majority of the article is comprised of dozens of quotes taken from readers. Some are left anonymous. Others have their age listed.

1. Start Saving For Retirement Now, Not Later

“I spent my 20s recklessly, but your 30s should be when you make a big financial push. Retirement planning is not something to put off. Understanding boring things like insurance, 401ks & mortgages is important since it's all on your shoulders now. Educate yourself.” (Kash, 41)
The most common piece of advice — so common that almost every single email said at least something about it — was to start getting your financial house in order and to start saving for retirement … today.
There were a few categories this advice fell into:
  • Make it your top priority to pay down all of your debt as soon as possible.
  • Keep an emergency fund — there were tons of horror stories about people getting financially ruined by health issues, lawsuits, divorces, bad business deals, etc.
  • Stash away a portion of every paycheck, preferably into a 401k, an IRA, or, at the least, a savings account.
  • Don’t spend frivolously. Don’t buy a home unless you can afford to get a good mortgage with good rates.
  • Don’t invest in anything you don’t understand. Don’t trust stockbrokers.
One reader said, “If you are in debt more than 10% of your gross annual salary this is a huge red flag. Quit spending, pay off your debt, and start saving.” Another wrote, “I would have saved more money in an emergency fund because unexpected expenses really killed my budget. I would have been more diligent about a retirement fund, because now mine looks pretty small.”
And then there were the readers who were just completely screwed by their inability to save in their 30s. One reader named Jodi wishes she had started saving 10% of every paycheck when she was 30. Her career took a turn for the worst and now she’s stuck at 57, still living paycheck to paycheck. Another woman, 62, didn’t save because her husband out-earned her.
They later got divorced and she ran into health problems, draining all of the money she'd received in the divorce settlement. She, too, now lives paycheck to paycheck, slowly waiting for the day Social Security kicks in. Another man related a story of having to be supported by his son because he didn’t save and unexpectedly lost his job in the 2008 crash.
The point was clear: Save early and save as much as possible. One woman emailed me saying that she had worked low-wage jobs with two kids in her 30s and still managed to sock away some money in a retirement fund each year. Because she started early and invested wisely, she is now in her 50s and financially stable for the first time in her life. Her point: It’s always possible. You just have to do it.

2. Start Taking Care Of Your Health Now, Not Later

“Your mind’s acceptance of age is 10 to 15 years behind your body’s aging. Your health will go faster than you think but it will be very hard to notice, not the least because you don’t want it to happen.” (Tom, 55)
We all know to take care of our health. We all know to eat better and sleep better and exercise more and blah, blah, blah. But just as with the retirement savings, the response from the older readers was loud and unanimous: Get healthy and stay healthy now.
So many people said it that I’m not even going to bother quoting anybody else. Their points were pretty much all the same: The way you treat your body has a cumulative effect. It’s not that your body suddenly breaks down one year — It’s been breaking down all along without your noticing. This is the decade to slow down that breakage.
And this wasn’t just your typical motherly advice to eat your veggies. These were emails from cancer survivors, heart-attack survivors, stroke survivors, people with diabetes and blood-pressure problems, joint issues and chronic pain.
They all said the same thing: “If I could go back, I would start eating better and exercising and I would not stop. I made excuses then. But I had no idea.”

3. Don’t Spend Time With People Who Don’t Treat You Well

“Learn how to say no to people, activities, and obligations that don’t bring value to your life.” (Hayley, 37) After calls to take care of your health and your finances, the most common piece of advice from people looking back at their 30-year-old selves was an interesting one: They would go back and enforce stronger boundaries in their lives and dedicate their time to better people. “Setting healthy boundaries is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself or another person.” (Kristen, 43)
What does that mean specifically?
“Don't tolerate people who don’t treat you well. Period. Don’t tolerate them for financial reasons. Don't tolerate them for emotional reasons. Don't tolerate them for the children's sake or for convenience' sake.” (Jane, 52)
“Don’t settle for mediocre friends, jobs, love, relationships and life.” (Sean, 43)
“Stay away from miserable people … they will consume you, drain you.” (Gabriella, 43)
“Surround yourself and only date people who make you a better version of yourself, who bring out your best parts, love and accept you.” (Xochie)
People typically struggle with boundaries because they find it difficult to hurt someone else’s feelings, or they get caught up in the desire to change the other person or make them treat them the way they want to be treated. This never works. And in fact, it often makes it worse.
As one reader wisely said, “Selfishness and self-interest are two different things. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.”
When we’re in our 20s, the world is so open to opportunity and we’re so short on experience that we cling to the people we meet, even if they’ve done nothing to earn our clingage.
But by our 30s we’ve learned that good relationships are hard to come by, that there’s no shortage of people to meet and friends to be made, and that there’s no reason to waste our time with people who don’t help us on our life’s path.

4. Be Good To The People You Care About

“Show up with and for your friends. You matter, and your presence matters.” (Jessica, 40)
Conversely, while enforcing stricter boundaries on who we let into our lives, many readers advised to make the time for those friends and family we do decide to keep close.
“I think sometimes I may have taken some relationships for granted, and when that person is gone, they’re gone. Unfortunately, the older you get, well, things start to happen, and it will affect those closest to you.” (Ed, 45)
“Appreciate those close to you. You can get money back and jobs back, but you can never get time back.” (Anne, 41)
"Tragedy happens in everyone’s life, everyone’s circle of family and friends. Be the person that others can count on when it does. I think that between 30 and 40 is the decade when a lot of shit finally starts to happen that you might have thought never would happen to you or those you love."
"Parents die, spouses die, babies are stillborn, friends get divorced, spouses cheat … the list goes on and on. Helping someone through these times by simply being there, listening and not judging, is an honor and will deepen your relationships in ways you probably can’t yet imagine.” (Rebecca, 40)

5. You Can’t Have Everything. Focus On Doing A Few Things Really Well

“Everything in life is a trade-off. You give up one thing to get another and you can’t have it all. Accept that.” (Eldri, 60)
In our 20s we have a lot of dreams. We believe that we have all of the time in the world. I myself remember having illusions that my website would be my first career of many.
Little did I know that it took the better part of a decade to even get competent at this. And now that I’m competent and have a major advantage and love what I do, why would I ever trade that in for another career?
“In a word: focus. You can simply get more done in life if you focus on one thing and do it really well. Focus more.” (Ericson, 49)
Another reader: “I would tell myself to focus on one or two goals/aspirations/dreams and really work towards them. Don’t get distracted.” And another: “You have to accept that you cannot do everything. It takes a lot of sacrifice to achieve anything special in life.”
A few readers noted that most people arbitrarily choose their careers in their late teens or early 20s, and as with many of our choices at those ages, they are often wrong choices. It takes years to figure out what we’re good at and what we enjoy doing. But it’s better to focus on our primary strengths and maximize them over the course of lifetime than to half-ass something else.
“I’d tell my 30-year-old self to set aside what other people think and identify my natural strengths and what I’m passionate about, and then build a life around those.” (Sara, 58)
For some people, this will mean taking big risks, even in their 30s and beyond. It may mean ditching a career they spent a decade building and giving up money they worked hard for and became accustomed to. Which brings us to …

6. Don’t Be Afraid Of Taking Risks. You Can Still Change

“While by age 30 most feel they should have their career dialed in, it is never too late to reset. The individuals that I have seen with the biggest regrets during this decade are those that stay in something that they know is not right. It is such an easy decade to have the days turn to weeks to years, only to wake up at 40 with a mid-life crisis for not taking action on a problem they were aware of 10 years prior but failed to act.” (Richard, 41)
“Biggest regrets I have are almost exclusively things I did *not* do.” (Sam, 47)
Many readers commented on how society tells us that by 30 we should have things “figured out” — our career situation, our dating/marriage situation, our financial situation, and so on. But this isn’t true. And, in fact, dozens and dozens of readers implored to not let these social expectations of “being an adult” deter you from taking some major risks and starting over.
As someone on my Facebook page responded: “All adults are winging it.”
“I am about to turn 41 and would tell my 30 year old self that you do not have conform you life to an ideal that you do not believe in. Live your life, don’t let it live you. Don’t be afraid of tearing it all down if you have to, you have the power to build it all back up again.” (Lisa, 41)
Multiple readers related making major career changes in their 30s and being better off for doing so. One left a lucrative job as a military engineer to become a teacher.
Twenty years later, he called it one of the best decisions of his life. When I asked my mom this question, her answer was, “I wish I had been willing to think outside the box a bit more. Your dad and I kind of figured we had to do thing A, thing B, thing C, but looking back I realize we didn’t have to at all; we were very narrow in our thinking and our lifestyles and I kind of regret that.”
"Less fear. Less fear. Less fear. I am about to turn 50 next year, and I am just getting that lesson. Fear was such a detrimental driving force in my life at 30.
"It affected my marriage, my career, my self-image in a fiercely negative manner. I was guilty of: Assuming conversations that others might be having about me. Thinking that I might fail. Wondering what the outcome might be. If I could do it again, I would have risked more.” (Aida, 49)

7. You Must Continue To Grow And Develop Yourself

“You have two assets that you can never get back once you’ve lost them: your body and your mind. Most people stop growing and working on themselves in their 20s. Most people in their 30s are too busy to worry about self-improvement. But if you’re one of the few who continues to educate themselves, evolve their thinking and take care of their mental and physical health, you will be light-years ahead of the pack by 40.” (Stan, 48)
It follows that if one can still change in their 30s — and should continue to change in their 30s — then one must continue to work to improve and grow. Many readers related the choice of going back to school and getting their degrees in their 30s as one of the most useful things they had ever done. Others talked of taking extra seminars and courses to get a leg up.
Others started their first businesses or moved to new countries. Others checked themselves into therapy or began a meditation practice.
A friend of mine said that at 29 he decided that his mind was his most valuable asset, and he decided to invest in it. He spent thousands on his own education, on seminars, on various therapies. And at 54, he insists that it was one of the best decisions he ever made.
“The number one goal should be to try to become a better person, partner, parent, friend, colleague etc. — in other words to grow as an individual.” (Aimilia, 39)

8. Nobody (Still) Knows What They’re Doing. Get Used To It

“Unless you are already dead — mentally, emotionally, and socially — you cannot anticipate your life 5 years into the future. It will not develop as you expect. So just stop it. Stop assuming you can plan far ahead, stop obsessing about what is happening right now because it will change anyway, and get over the control issue about your life’s direction. Fortunately, because this is true, you can take even more chances and not lose anything; you cannot lose what you never had. Besides, most feelings of loss are in your mind anyway – few matter in the long term.” (Thomas, 56)
In my article about what I learned in my 20s, one of my lessons was “Nobody Knows What They’re Doing” and that this was good news. Well, according to the 40-plus crowd, this continues to be true in one’s 30s and, well, forever it seems; and it continues to be good news forever as well.
“Most of what you think is important now will seem unimportant in 10 or 20 years and that’s OK. That’s called growth. Just try to remember to not take yourself so seriously all the time and be open to it.” (Simon, 57)
“Despite feeling somewhat invincible for the last decade, you really don’t know what’s going to happen and neither does anyone else, no matter how confidently they talk. While this is disturbing to those who cling to permanence or security, it’s truly liberating once you grasp the truth that things are always changing. To finish, there might be times that are really sad.
Don’t dull the pain or avoid it. Sorrow is part of everyone’s life and the consequence of an open and passionate heart. Honor that. Above all, be kind to yourself and others. It’s such a brilliant and beautiful ride and keeps on getting better.” (Prue, 38)
“I’m 44. I would remind my 30-year-old self that at 40, my 30s would be equally filled with dumb stuff, different stuff, but still dumb stuff … So, 30-year-old self, don’t go getting on your high horse. You STILL don’t know it all. And that’s a good thing.” (Shirley, 44)

9. Invest in Your Family. It’s Worth It

“Spend more time with your folks. It’s a different relationship when you’re an adult and it’s up to you how you redefine your interactions. They are always going to see you as their kid until the moment you can make them see you as your own man. Everyone gets old. Everyone dies. Take advantage of the time you have left to set things right and enjoy your family.” (Kash, 41)
I was overwhelmed by the number of responses about family and the power of those responses. Family is the big new relevant topic for this decade for me, because you get it on both ends.
Your parents are old and you need to start considering how your relationship with them is going to function as a self-sufficient adult. And then you also need to contemplate creating a family of your own.
Pretty much everybody agreed to get over whatever problems you have with your parents and find a way to make it work with them. One reader wrote, “You’re too old to blame your parents for any of your own short-comings now. At 20 you could get away with it; you’d just left the house. At 30, you’re a grown-up. Seriously. Move on.”
But then there’s the question that plagues every single 30-year-old: to baby or not to baby?
“You don’t have the time. You don’t have the money. You need to perfect your career first. They’ll end your life as you know it. Kids are great. They make you better in every way. They push you to your limits. They make you happy. You should not defer having kids. If you are 30, now is the time to get real about this. You will never regret it.” (Kevin, 38)
“It’s never the ‘right time’ for children because you have no idea what you’re getting into until you have one. If you have a good marriage and environment to raise them, err on having them earlier rather than later, you’ll get to enjoy more of them.” (Cindy, 45)
“All my preconceived notions about what a married life is like were wrong. Unless you’ve already been married, everyone’s are.
Especially once you have kids. Try to stay open to the experience and fluid as a person; your marriage is worth it, and your happiness seems as much tied to your ability to change and adapt as anything else. I wasn’t planning on having kids.
From a purely selfish perspective, this was the dumbest thing of all. Children are the most fulfilling, challenging, and exhausting endeavor anyone can ever undertake. Ever.” (Rich, 44)
The consensus about marriage seemed to be that it was worth it, assuming you had a healthy relationship with the right person. If not, you should run the other way (See #3).
But interestingly, I got a number of emails like the following:
“What I know now vs. 10 to 13 years ago is simply this … bars, woman, beaches, drink after drink, clubs, bottle service, trips to different cities because I had no responsibility other than work, etc. I would trade every memory of that life for a good woman who was actually in love with me … and maybe a family. I would add, don’t forgot to actually grow up and start a family and take on responsibilities other than success at work. I am still having a little bit of fun … but sometimes when I go out, I feel like the guy who kept coming back to high school after he graduated (think Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused). I see people in love and on dates everywhere. “Everyone” my age is in their first or second marriage by now! Being perpetually single sounds amazing to all of my married friends but it is not the way one should choose to live their life.” (Anonymous, 43)
“I would have told myself to stop constantly searching for the next best thing and I would have appreciated the relationships that I had with some of the good, genuine guys that truly cared for me. Now I’m always alone and it feels too late.” (Fara, 38)
On the flip side, there were a small handful of emails that took the other side of the coin:
“Don’t feel pressured to get married or have kids if you don’t want to. What makes one person happy doesn’t make everyone happy. I’ve chosen to stay single and childless and I still live a happy and fulfilled life. Do what feels right for you.” (Anonymous, 40)
Conclusion: It seems that while family is not absolutely necessary to have a happy and fulfilling life, the majority of people have found that family is always worth the investment, assuming the relationships are healthy and not toxic and/or abusive.

10. Be Kind To Yourself — Respect Yourself

“Be a little selfish and do something for yourself every day, something different once a month and something spectacular every year.” (Nancy, 60)
This one was rarely the central focus of any email, but it was present in some capacity in almost all of them: Treat yourself better. Almost everybody said this in one form or another. “There is no one who cares about or thinks about your life a fraction of what you do,” one reader began, and “life is hard, so learn to love yourself now, it’s harder to learn later” another reader finished.
Or as Renee, 40, succinctly put it: “Be kind to yourself.”
Many readers included the old cliche: “Don’t sweat the small stuff; and it’s almost all small stuff.” Eldri, 60, wisely said, “When confronted with a perceived problem, ask yourself, ‘Is this going to matter in five years, ten years?’ If not, dwell on it for a few minutes, then let it go.” It seems many readers have focused on the subtle life lesson of simply accepting life as is, warts and all.
Which brings me to the last quote, from Martin, age 58:
“When I turned forty my father told me that I’d enjoy my 40s because in your 20s you think you know what’s going on, in your 30s you realize you probably don’t, and in your 40s you can relax and just accept things. I’m 58 and he was right.”
Thank you to everyone who contributed.

Monday, April 7, 2014

上過床,不等于做過愛!男女都必須看看!寫的真的很好!

情景一:

和老公到朋友開的酒吧小坐,有一個22歲的美國女孩在獨自喝酒,用出水芙蓉來形容她相當恰當,我推了推老公說:快去請她過來小坐,再不去該被別的人請走了。老公吸了下口水,急忙拿著一瓶沒開啟的啤酒走過去。坐在旁邊的朋友很不理解的。

問:“主動給老公找野食?“我說:“肥水不流外人田。” 老公很順利的把姑娘請過來,席間她因為玩色子輸了和我老公喝了交杯酒,臨走時兩個人在臉蛋上左親親右親親。朋友問:“你老公對那姑娘那么熱情,你真不生氣?”我說:“這哪里是熱情,簡直就是短暫的愛情。”

情景二:

一個朋友的生日聚會,我有點事要晚到。一進門,看到一個女孩坐在我老公腿上。看見我,女孩急忙跳下來解釋,我說:“好馬佩好鞍,放個墊子坐肯定更舒服!”

我先在他腿上擺了個墊子,和那女孩一起坐在老公腿上照相,直壓的他叫苦。那天的生日聚會大家都非常開心,有個男孩居然說他快笑吐了。

情景三:

和他老朋友吃飯。朋友說:“想知道他什么就問我好了,他老底我都知道。”我說:“ 勞煩大哥免開尊口,若敢說他半點壞話可要罰白酒一斤哦!”

情景四:

一個女孩愛上我老公,打電話和他傾訴衷腸。我特地把他的門關上,讓他有個私人的空間自己解決。我一個人在外面看vcd,蠟筆小新,笑的我前仰后合。

情景五:

老公的前任女友被人甩了,難過之時想起他,約他出去渴望聽到些安慰之詞。我給老公找衣服,好好的熨燙完畢,幫他選最適合的領帶。我告訴他:

“我要她見到最帥的你,絕對比愛她的時候神氣!”

情景六:

一次和他的客戶到夜總會玩。我從三排小姐中找出一個最漂亮的女孩,叫到老公身邊做陪。我還特地叮囑那個女孩放開點,做到客人的老婆在與不在一個樣。

情景一過后:

  老公把我從酒吧一直抱到停車場,塞到車里親個沒完。他說他開酒吧的朋友就是害怕失去自由都不敢結婚,我在他面前這么給他面子,那老小子非妒忌死他不可。第二天我們收到他朋友的電子郵件:再有這樣的姑娘給我介紹一個,你*讓我嫉妒的牙都癢癢了。

老公愛我,不等于我可以剝奪他欣賞美的權利。

情景二過后:

兩個女孩坐他大腿上的照片洗出來,婆婆大叫:成何體統!問我為什么不管他,我作小女人狀說:不敢啊!婆婆說:我幫你出氣!滿屋打的老公那叫落花流水,看的我這個美!他急呼:那女的坐過我們所有男生的大腿,出去留學幾年變成假洋鬼子了!!!

情景三過后:

老公問我真的不好奇他過去的事嗎?我說:“我想知道就會問你,你不說我就不想知道。”老公說:“ 其實我和好幾個人上過床。”我說:“你說過我讓你學會了真正的愛,你就算和別人上過床,也只和我做過愛。”

情景四過后:

當我把門輕輕關上的一刻,老公簡單說了一句話就掛了電話。他說:“你嫂子知道是你來電話,讓我好好安慰你,為了給我足夠的空間,她出去了,關了門,我找不到比她更懂得愛更善良的女孩了,所以,無論如何我不會愛你。”

情景五過后:

老公的左腳邁出門外兩秒鐘,回頭對我說:“我不去了,她的大傷心對我來說不如你的小難過重要。”

因為我在給他系領帶的時候說:“我希望給你無限多的自由,哪怕我不愿意,只要你高興我可以忍受一點難過。”

情景六過后:

從夜總會走的時候小姐對我說我是她接待的第一個女人,也是最尊重她的人。那筆生意談的很好,他的客戶和我說當他們決定來這里的時候我老公特地把我叫來了,當時他們都以為他得了短暫神經病,沒想到我來了還能這么熱鬧。我說我是來向小姐學習跳脫衣舞的,學會了也就他這么一個受益人。

說了這么多,大家應該知道我不是忍辱負重的女人,我從來不打算找上帝修改男人的性情,要修改的是因為愛而產生的不愉快心理。所謂的嫁人不疑、疑人不嫁。我相信老公是個重情懂愛的男人,我越是大度,他越是愿意帶我到任何一個場合,見他所有的朋友,我自然有機會了解他更多,以便防微杜漸,抓大放小。我們都不是電腦,誰也無法給誰輸入一個聽話的程序,所能作的就是給他足夠的快樂,足夠的自豪。有時候男人象長輩,喜歡教導別人,有時候男人象孩子,僅僅是貪玩,不要把很多事情想的過于復雜和骯臟。閑暇時去抓一下香皂,練習一下抓住愛人的手法,不松不緊,你卻永遠跑不掉

一個男人的品位在于選擇妻子,選擇了什么樣的妻子就等于選擇了什么樣的人生,也就決定了你將來的事業成就。

俗話說,男怕入錯行,女怕嫁錯郎。

人活這一輩子,究竟有什么是我們必須要的?真正需要的就是良好的心態和閑適的心情。只有家庭和睦,心態健康的人,才具備閑適的條件。比如娶一個好女人,就能賦予一個男人閑適的心情,更能在事業上獲得成功……



選什么樣的女人做老婆好?


1.一個女人最重要的品質應該是善良,而且百善孝為先。天下不知道有多少苦命的男人在受著自己的媳婦和自己親媽之間的夾板氣?要是將要成為我媳婦的女孩敢問我“我和你媽掉河里,你先救誰?” 我一準把她PASS掉,這根本就不是人話!

2.賢惠,這是亙古不變的女性美德。

3.知書達禮,這是新時代對婦女與時俱進的要求。一個女人的氣質和教養是豐富內心的流露,也是與別人真正拉開距離的所在。

4.有思想、有品位。有思想使得她不屑于插足別人之間的閑話,她從來都是個“絕緣體”。有品位,使得她能匠心獨運地表達自己的風格。我不能容忍自己的老婆看見什么都走不動道,不是我窮,不能慣她這毛病!

5.懂事。對于男人最重要的是尊嚴,她可以在家里抨擊我,但不能在公眾場合諷刺、嘲笑我。一個不懂維護丈夫的尊嚴的女人,不要也罷。

6.充分信任,相對自由。喜新厭舊其實是人的本能,誰也不能保證一輩子只對一個人有好感。奉勸天下所有將要結婚的女人用心學習《醫學心理學》,充分理解自己的丈夫喜歡在畫報、網頁上凝眸美女的嗜好,不要因為這些下意識的行為而吹毛求疵。否則就是將婚姻推向死亡。他想獨自呆一會兒,不要碎嘴地問什么究竟,送上一杯茶,輕輕把門關上就好了。

7.有一份穩定的收入。不依附于男人生存女人才能做到獨立,自尊。

8.沒有過多的物質欲望。這一點非常重要!自古成由儉敗由奢。何況安于現狀和樂觀的天性使她能夠將青春延續。過分的虛榮往往使非“財大氣粗”的男人產生精神緊張,甚至為此不堪重負。我的媳婦應該寶馬汽車坐得,自行車也能騎得;五星級酒店住得,野營的帳篷也不嫌棄,吃得苦中苦,方為人上人

9.拒絕燈紅酒綠,不對異性過分熱情。她有著良好的生活習慣,抽煙、飲酒、通宵達旦的宴飲狂歡都不會發生在她身上,她不會到酒吧、夜總會這樣的地方消磨時間。她知道自己的價值不是取悅異性,所以不會主動和別的男的搭訕,曲高和寡的才是陽春白雪。

10.天真有一點童趣。一個男人若是真的喜歡一個女人,就應該最大程度地呵護她的純真。未失童趣的女子,能讓漫長枯燥的四目

11.喜歡讀書和音樂。喜歡讀書不是看什么花花綠綠的時尚雜志、喜歡音樂也不是什么聽過就忘的流行小曲。經典的書籍和音樂能讓歲月與生活的瑣碎無法在她的心靈上烙下痕跡。

12.工作能力強,有一技之長。工作中的女人顯然沒有太多時間疑神疑鬼。有一技之長會使她自得其樂,很好地控制情緒。

13.當然,長得絕對不能丑,也別太靚,應該是那種越看越順眼的。

14.身體健康,并懂得養生之道和基本醫學常識。

15.還有一點很重要,婚姻生活是一個有顏色、有生息、有動靜的世界,很難想象一個不具備浪漫、不具備情趣的女人是個好妻子。

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

為什麼日本的男女不想結婚?

womany 編按:
先前,曾有一篇引起一時轟動的「日本年輕人不做愛」報導,點出目前日本社會正在歷經「親密關係的疏離情況」!家庭計劃協會就指出,儘管日本社會性、愛分離是普遍現象,但性冷感的指數也逐漸提升。16-25歲的女性,有45%不想要性接觸,1/4 的日本男性也有同樣的狀況。長居日本的作家劉黎兒也有感,觀察身邊友人,替你整理為什麼日本男人女人不想結婚?(在日本的台灣插畫家:再苦也要笑開懷,接接

日本男人不想結婚理由多多,女人也不輸給男人。雖然女人想婚率比男人多了6%,約66%,但三分之一的女人覺得單身也不錯,不想結婚,冒著被稱為「毒(跟「獨」同音)女」也不在乎,許多女人認為「跟工作結婚了」工作或事業更能讓她們燃燒,才是真正追夢,或是住在娘家繼續當大小姐很舒服,何苦結婚。(同場加映:你是嫁給「他」還是嫁給「他的背景」?
許多女人覺得日本社會再進化,還是對男人比較寬大,女人有工作,也還要做家事、養兒育女,很划不來,而且要遷就夫家,擔心跟公婆姑嫂關係搞不好,丈夫是長男的話,不是得跟公婆同居就得看護公婆,非常不安。
女人已習慣什麼都自己決定,要遷就男人很辛苦,還要配合夫家價值觀,覺得煩厭;身邊已婚女不時在抱怨家庭生活,不覺得有誰很幸福,除了孩子還算可愛外,婚姻似乎一無可取,好像都是為了孩子在忍耐、犧牲,聽她們抱怨,覺得被當婚姻存在唯一理由的孩子也很可憐,很多人結婚卻離婚了,變成單親媽媽更辛苦。
許多女人獨居習慣了,不想配合別人生活,連跟別人長時間在一起都很痛苦;有的女人不喜歡做家事,說:「讓我娶主婦來做家事還好,要我當主婦做家事,無法想像!」也有女人說:「我喜歡做菜,但跟結婚後每天都得做飯是不同的,有強迫感的事全湧上來,如下地獄;一個人滿喫幸福就夠了。」
女人也不想放棄單身的自由,不管時間或金錢;結婚的話,不但沒自由時間,不能像現在愛買什麼就買什麼,想旅行隨時都能出門,或想去追星就去追,甚至遠征外國,不必看丈夫臉色;而且許多女人都還賴在娘家,不用做家事,假日不是睡覺就出門去玩,快活無比,幹嘛要結婚?
不時看到許多條件不錯卻沒結婚的男人,他們甚至表示:「老實說我不想結婚,單身也不錯!」這些男人看到結了婚的上司一點也不幸福,每天都在抱怨家裡,而且簡單家事自己都會做,不需要主婦,不婚理由說不完,甚至冒著被當同志的可能也不想結婚。(推薦閱讀:妳的男人偽裝單身,他要的是婚姻還是自由?
男人不婚,快要成為古典問題了,有些男人結不成婚,但很多是不想結婚,未婚的麻伊表示:「我是男人的話,我也不想結婚,許多女人年過卅,在公司還被當公主捧著,要求完美的男人,一點也不想遷就男人,男人未必對她們有興趣,卻裝出一副對結婚沒興趣的模樣,要去追這樣的女人,想了就累!」
不婚率越來越高,以前男女想婚率都是九成以上,現在男人只剩六成,許多男人看到已婚男日益憔悴,沒有誰是幸福的,而且年紀越大越不幸,除了沉重的負擔外,沒什麼好處;有些已婚朋友還傾訴遭妻子虐待,很恐怖,尤其自己賺的錢無法自由使用,要看妻子臉色,根本不是人過的日子。
更多數的男人覺得要養家困難,還得跟妻子娘家親戚來往,令人煩厭;許多男人原本對獨居很滿意,不想讓別人介入,偶爾跟女人約會、上床很開心,但一個人住慣了,無法忍受家裡有別人,而且妻子大概會強迫自己放棄興趣、嗜好,結婚只是束縛越來越多,沒法在自己想喝酒時去喝,也不能在想上夜店時出去,還得擔心聚會時遭妻子來電催促早點回家;而且工作太累了,回家休息時間都不夠了,怎麼伺候家人;此外,自己不是什麼料子,沒留種也沒什麼了不起;或有的男人乾脆承認自己戀母情結嚴重,不想將來夾在婆媳間受苦受難,不結婚就沒有什麼不安可言!(這樣想就明白:爸爸給兒子的婚姻箴言,結婚不是只為了你一個人

Sunday, March 16, 2014

梁文道:什么是奢华,什么是教养

今天的中国,无论你走到哪里,几乎都能看见“奢华”这两个字。每一本时尚生活杂志都在不厌其烦地告诉你有关奢华的故事,每一个商品广告都试图让你感到它要卖的商品有多奢华。于是房子是奢华的,车子是奢华的,大衣是奢华的,手表是奢华的,皮鞋也是奢华的,就连内裤也可以很奢华,乃至于我刚刚吃过的涮羊肉也标榜自己的用料十分奢华。

本来这种东西是可以见怪不怪的,正所谓奢华见惯亦平常。可是有一天,我在杂志上看到一篇介绍英国手工定制鞋的文章,作者先是不断渲染英国绅士的低调含蓄,一两千字之后笔锋忽然一转,他还是未能免俗地要大谈这鞋子有多奢华,并将其定位为“低调的奢华”。然后把绅士等同于品位,再将品位等同于奢华。

许多媒体早就在“奢华”和“品位”之间画上等号了,但现在有人进一步连“绅士”也挂了上去,这就让我觉得有些刺眼了。

我的生活奢华不起,我的言行也离绅士甚远,可我总算读过不少传说中的英国绅士写的东西,在我的印象中,绅士和奢华根本是两个完全不同的概念。且看19世纪英国绅士之间的通信,关于绅士的品位,他们是这么说的:“×××的家朴实无华,真是难得的好品位。”“他是那种老派的绅士,一件大衣穿了20年。”他们会称赞一个人的朴实和惜物,低调而不张扬,却绝对不会把看得见的奢华当作品位,尤其不会把它视为绅士的品位。

就以一双手工制作的顶级皮鞋来说吧,它是很贵,但它可以穿上一二十年,这里头的学问不只是它自身的质量,更是你穿它、用它的态度。首先,你会珍惜它,所以走路的姿势是端正的,不会在街上看见什么都随便踢一脚。其次,你愿意花点时间和心思去护理它,平常回家脱下来不忘为它拂尘拭灰,周末则悠悠闲闲地替它抹油补色,权当一种调剂身心的休息活动(就算他有佣人,他也宁愿自己动手)。所以这双鞋能够穿得久,10年之后,它略显老态,但不腐旧,看得出是经过了不错的照料,也看得出其主人对它的爱惜。这叫作绅士。不一定喜欢昂贵的身外物,但一定不随便花钱,朝秦暮楚。他的品位不在于他买了什么,而在于他的生活风格甚至为人;他拥有的物质不能说明他,他拥有物质的方式才能道出他是个怎么样的人。

当然,一个人不能做物质的奴隶,但他的人格、性情或许可以借着物质偶尔散发出来。简单地讲,这就是教养。“教养”是一个何其古老、于今天何其陌生的词啊。这个词本来才是品位的绝配,不过,由于教养困难,奢华容易,我们今天才会把品位许给了奢华,让空洞的、无止境的消费去遮掩教养的匮乏。久而久之,甚至开始有人以为,英国的传统绅士皆以奢华为人生第一目标。

如果你觉得“教养”太过抽象,我可以为你举一些没有教养的好例子。开着一部奔驰车在街上横冲直撞,觉得行人全是活该被吓死的贱民,这是没有教养的。手上戴着伯爵表,然后借醉酒臭骂上错菜的服务员小妹妹,这也是没有教养的。教养不必来自家教,更不是贵族的专利,上进的绅士更看重后天的自我养成。然而,如今有力奢华地招摇过市之辈多如过江之鲫,甘于谦逊、力求品格善美的人却几不可闻,岂不可叹?

我只不过是在北京一家火锅店见着它用“奢华”二字形容自己的材料,便忍不住发出这一大堆牢骚,这自然也是没有教养的表现。

奢华和教养的分界点在哪里?

一个向外——求胜。

一个向内——求安。

无时无刻不在和他人相比,自然就倾慕奢华。

无时无刻不在要求自己进步,自然就有了教养。